Roller Coaster

My doctor and I have discovered that my depression is like a roller coaster that's laced with ups and downs, and throughout this ride, the downs get deeper while the ups remain at the same, safe level of content.

During my downs, you could say that I become suicidal, but I do not wish to kill myself in the physical sense that others find oh so attractive, where there is such finality and your suffering is over. 

No, I long to be that kind of dead where you are still living, but not alive. The kind of dead where my days are spent in my dark bedroom hidden among my abyss of blankets, no longer existing in the "real" world. 

The things that once brought me joy will be pushed to the back of my mind like a shoebox full of pictures gets pushed to the back of a closet, just old times that are long gone. 

The downs in this roller coaster become gradually more soul-sucking, and the days spent alone in my own sorrow seem to last the duration of an eternity, 

but then there are the ups.

Although the "ups" don't last long or climb very high, they are still packed with the typical feelings of a roller coaster ride - The nervousness as you make the ascent from the deep low you've just been thrust out of, or as I like to refer to it: the first few days or weeks when I feel like I DON'T have to seclude myself in the vast emptiness of my cold bedroom and think the only place I will find warmth is in my blankets.

Then there's the part where you begin to feel like "this might be fun" as you keep climbing higher and higher toward the shining blue sky. To me, this section of the climb involves finding the shoebox in my closet and dusting off the pictures of me doing the things I love. I return to my favorite places and sing my favorite songs, and dance in my kitchen while I make myself breakfast on a Sunday morning. Because I can. 

And then there's the final stage of the climb, where, looking up, you see nothing but blue sky and suddenly you're not anticipating what will come next, but rather just taking in the peaceful serenity of your surroundings. I continue to bask in the glow of my happiness and become engulfed in activities that make me truly happy, and I no longer worry about the future, because I'm perfectly amazed and delighted in my right now.

It's amazing and I feel as though I'm the happiest I've ever been, and that I will never go down again - but then again, on a roller coaster, there's always that pang of excited adrenaline when you reach the peak... Before you begin your fall.