Eye Contact (Part Two)

Today was not a good day. I keep telling myself things will improve, but I just continue feeling this loneliness that I just can't shake. I've always told myself that I could be happy alone, and that being alone would give me the opportunity to get a good education, a good job, and to never have to rely on anybody. If only I'd known then how that would turn out, and just how lonely I would be today; I wonder if I would have felt any different. But, back then I was Janie: Strong, Independent Woman.

As I play back those words in my memory now, I just want to take a random side street and never look back. My apartment was never that nice anyway. All those years at university just for me to become a barista at my local Starbucks. All of those years and I'm still alone. More so now than ever. I can hear the small clicks of my shoes on the pavement as I walk silently through the night.

It wasn't so bad until I lost my number one fan. My father was the only one who truly believed in me, the only one who told me I could achieve everything my heart desired. Last August was when he spoke to me his final thoughts, told me one last time that I was the apple of his eye and called me his little girl. If I would have known that he wasn't going to return from that trip, I would have never let him go. I should have never let him go. I wanted then to run away and never look back, as I knew there would never be anyone to believe in me again. It was silly to even think about it.

I had come to accept the fact that I was now destined to be alone. I knew nobody could love me, and that there was nobody in the world who would dream of meeting someone like me. Walking down the streets full of spring time lovers who spread joy in every movement and touch they share just made it harder not to turn off the path to home and just run. But, I continued down the street, the smell of old booze from patrons of the bar a few blocks down floating through the air into my nostrils.

Ahead there was a crew of construction workers, each cocking their head toward me as I proceeded to get closer. I could already feel their eyes on me, as these men sometimes do, and panicked. I put my head down and turned onto another street, one not normally on my beaten path, and scurried down until I was sure that their eyes weren't on me. I slowed my pace to a walk once I was calmed enough to finally look back up.

And that's when I saw them looking back at me